Welcome back to Midnight Musings! It’s almost 5AM and I haven’t slept. Is probably a combination of the fact that my shitty job has seriously fucked my sleep schedule, thankfully i am going to be quitting very soon, and the fact that I can’t stop thinking. The sad thing is that its about a boy that has completely ghosted me. Really I should take a hint, right? Like obviously he doesn’t want to talk to you so you should just let it go, but you see the thing is I was really vulnerable with this guy and told him how I felt and he was like I just want to be friends and that was a 100% okay with me cause I really like talking to him and being his friend. I even told him why I took me so long to tell him because I have told male friends that I like them in the past and they always cut me out after I tell them and he said he didn’t plan on doing that to me. Well shocker of all shockers I guess he plans on it now it really fucking hurts. Fuck feelings they get me nothing and no where, well they bring me pain. I need to let it all go. I need to forget it and not worry about and I will. Once the deadline has passed I won’t spear it one more thought. God I though he was different. I wanted him to be different. Best part is I know he has the link to my blog. I wonder if her reads it? I wonder if he will see this? If he does know that I don’t appreciate being ghosted and if something is going on with you that caused you to ghost me then you can talk to me and if you ghosted me just because you didn’t want to deal with me or be my friend anymore or my feelings scared you then fuck you you’re a coward and not the person I thought and hoped you were. In other news I have a job interview in 5 1/2 hours so wish me luck with that. I’m going to crawl into bed and try to get at least 2 or 3 hours of sleep.
This is a series I am going to do that is completely stream of consciousness and unedited in any way. These are just going the thoughts I have in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep for whatever reason.
Its nearly 3 am and I still can’t sleep. The anxiety feels like a rock at the bottom of my stomach and I want to crawl out of skin. everything feels like its going to fall apart at any given moment. No stick that it already feels like its falling apart. I turn 24 in a few months and this is not how I saw my life going. I had big plans and I ruined them all. I haven’t graduated college, I still live with my parents, I work (what feels) like a dead end job. I don’t even like my major anymore and I am to scared to tell my parents cause I feel like they are finally (somewhat) proud of me. I’m not okay. I don’t feel okay. Every cell in my body is screaming for me to pack up my car and run as far away as I can. to just change my name and never look back. I feel the dark coming and I can’t help to think this one might be bad. I don’t find joy in anything and the truly scary part is that I have been taking part in my self care rituals like face masks, bubble baths and keeping my room clean and I still feel anxious and depressed. I dread going to work other then I get to see a particular person that kinda brightens my day a bit. Mostly I am just tired. Tired of always fighting. Always being on guard. I feel stuck. Stuck in my life, stuck in my body, stuck in my mind. Why cant there be a pause button? I need one. I need to get my shit together, but I have to find my shit first and I don’t think I ever will. God I need to sleep. I just can’t. I’m going back to therapy. I should have never stopped. It get better but you never are better. Maybe I’m just this broken thing. Doomed to never be fixed. Do I even deserve happiness at this point? I’d probably just fuck it up someway. I know I have people who love me and whom I love and I know they support me and are here for me, but its 3:30 AM and I am so very lonely it physically hurts. I guess its time to go try and sleep or maybe I’ll try to write. I have too much energy, then again I just have too much of everything.
He stared at the dark green door with its peeling paint and brass numbers it looked like any other door in New York, but this wasn’t any door in New York it was her door. It was the door that could make him or break him. It had been a 10 years since he last saw her, ten years since she ran away. Damn door he thought. He took a deep breath and knocked.
She was staring out the window at the raging storm; she watched intently as the rain hit the glass and traced the trails of the raindrops with her eyes silently contemplating which would win the imaginary race she had created in her head. She was cradling a mug of coffee in her hands lost in thoughts of the past. The “what ifs” still haunted her even after a decade; what if I had stayed she thought. She remembered how his brown eyes lit up when he was excited and how his laugh was deep and rich like good cup of coffee and how when he looked at her it was as if she was the only other person in the world it made her feel as if she was glowing. The knock on her door jerked her away from her thoughts. “Milo I told you I don’t want any….” She swung the door open her voice trialing off when she realized that it wasn’t Milo. It was Aidan.
He felt as if his breath was knocked out of him. There she was, she was as beautiful as ever. Her hair was longer and no longer black, it was more of a chocolate brown but when the light hit it became redder, as if her hair was made of fire. She looked at him as if he had just risen from the dead in front of her. Her green eyes held joy and pain in them. “Hi.” He smiled sheepishly. Hi that’s your great opening HI what are you thinking? She is the girl you love have always loved and all you have to say is hi you’re an idiot he thought while mentally slapping himself.
She felt as if she was seeing a ghost, a hallucination, and a mirage all in one. It can’t be him. “You can’t be here. Your not supposed to be here. What are you doing here?” she said. He stomach was doing flips and her head was spinning. This isn’t happening, this cant be happening. She studied him carefully, hoping that she was just going crazy and he wasn’t really there, but he was and he looked…. the same. He was still tall, his hair was slightly longer and he looked a little more muscular but other then that it was still him and it made her heart ache.
“May I come in?” he asked tentatively. She blinked at him. Once. Twice. Then she finally stepped aside and let him enter her apartment. Everything about it was her. There was books every where, an over stuffed leather chair and sofa dominated the living space as well as a large coffee table made from reclaimed wood, a huge window that looked out onto that famous New York skyline governed the far wall behind the sofa, but the thing he noticed the most the thing that made him smile was the fact that there were plants all over the place; her living room and kitchen looked like a jungle. There were fresh cut flowers on the tables and the mantle above the fireplace. There were ferns and fricassees sitting on the floor in pots and hanging from the celling in planters. “Since when do you like plants?” He smiled at her. Her heart started beating faster and her knees grew weak.
“Every since they remind me of someone. Would you like some coffee or tea? Or maybe some water or juice? I think I have orange juice maybe some apple juice around here somewhere. Or I have something harder if you want that. I know its only 10 am but I don’t know about you but I could use a drink.” She was heading to the kitchen as she talked. She turned to look at him the kitchen island separating the two of them.
“Coffee is good,” He stated. She gave a slight nod and began making the coffee. He watched her movements she was stiff and her movements were almost robotic. “Are you okay?” He asked wanting to hold her in his arms but stayed I where he was perched on the other side of the island.
“No I am not okay.” She pressed the button making the coffee machine whir to life. “You weren’t supposed to find me. You weren’t supposed to come after me. Nobody was.” She sighed
“I…I… Uh…” He had an entire speech prepared about why he had found her. Now he couldn’t remember it. He had kinda hoped that she would be so excited to see him that it would be like in the movies where they just get together. She wasn’t excited and this wasn’t a movie. “You changed your name.” was all he could come up with.
“That’s what people do when they don’t want to be found.” She placed the coffee in front of him. Three sugars no cream; She remembered. “Why are you here, Aidan? Why did you come looking after all this time?”
“We miss you Jaz. I miss you; I need you.”
“It’s a Anastasia now, Anya if you would prefer. Jasmine Mackie is long gone. All the people I wanted to know where and who I was I have contacted. Do you even know why I left? Why I became Anastasia Diggory?” Her gaze bore into his and made him look down at the marble countertop.
“I was slowly dying there. I felt as if I was suffocating; I wasn’t happy. I needed to be somebody different and somewhere different. The person I was back in Windport wasn’t the real me. Jasmine Mackie was sad and in pain all the time. She allowed people to walk all over her and was afraid to shine.” Her eyes were clouded with pain of the past. “The person I am now is the person I want to be. I don’t think I have ever been happier in my life. I graduated top of my class at Colombia University and now I work as a high school English teacher at The Dalton School and I love my kids. My neighbors Ms. Peterson and Her grandson Milo have become like family to me. My life here is all I ever wanted and more. I am happy.” Her expression had changed from one of pain to one of thoughtful excitement.
“What about your parents? Your friends? Me? We are all back in Windport.” He whispered.
“My parents come see me for the holidays ever year and I talked to them three times a week. Charlotte actually only lives 10 minuets from my apartment so I see her all the time in fact we have a standing brunch reservation in an hour and as for Genevieve and Kaden they come visit whenever they can. I actually just got back from Europe with them. Everybody else was toxic for me.” She let out a sigh. “As for us, well, you know we would never work. You love being in the great outdoors and you love Windport. You wouldn’t like it here and you would grow to resent me for it. I know you are going through a hard time with the divorce and that you want everything to go back to the way it was, but Aidan you don’t really love me not the me I am now anyway. You loved the girl back in Windport and even then it was the happy one you created in your head.”
“How did you know about the divorce?”
“Windport is a small town and my mom knows everybody’s business.”
“Of course she does.” He chuckled. “But I could learn to love it here, I could learn to love the real you if you would just give me the chance. You never know stranger things happen all the time. I know I want to be with you. Please Jaz… I mean Anya.”
She walked around the island and cupped his face in both hands forcing him to look into her dark green eyes. “See you can’t even let go of my old name.” She said softly. “And even if your words were true and you could learn to love me and love the city, I’m engaged.”
“Honey I’m home!” The chipper male voice filled the apartment. “Oh whose this?” Anya quickly crossed the room and gave the man a bear hug.
“Anders, honey, this is Aidan.”
“Nice to meet you.” Anders smiled and held out his hand, but Aiden didn’t shake it.
“Dose he even know you? The you that I knew; the you that you call fake?” his voice is dripping with bitterness and resentment towards the man he doesn’t even know.
“Of course I do. I know all about Windport and Jasmine. I know all about you too Mr. Zeller.” Anders spoke before Anya could reply.
“Aiden I think its time for you to go. I’m sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for. I really hope you do.” Anya stated as she ushered him towards the door.
“Just one more question: Why didn’t you ever contact me?” Aiden asked her his voice filled with pain.
“Because I loved you and I knew you would never be able to love the me I wanted to become. I knew I wasn’t for you long before I left and it hurt. It hurts just like your hurting right now because you are finally realizing the same.” She gave him a soft smile and a tight hug. “You will find happiness Aiden I know you will.” And with that she shut the dark green door leaving him in the hallway once again. Damn door he thought as he walked away. Turns out the door broke him.