This is a series I am going to do that is completely stream of consciousness and unedited in any way. These are just going the thoughts I have in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep for whatever reason.
Its nearly 3 am and I still can’t sleep. The anxiety feels like a rock at the bottom of my stomach and I want to crawl out of skin. everything feels like its going to fall apart at any given moment. No stick that it already feels like its falling apart. I turn 24 in a few months and this is not how I saw my life going. I had big plans and I ruined them all. I haven’t graduated college, I still live with my parents, I work (what feels) like a dead end job. I don’t even like my major anymore and I am to scared to tell my parents cause I feel like they are finally (somewhat) proud of me. I’m not okay. I don’t feel okay. Every cell in my body is screaming for me to pack up my car and run as far away as I can. to just change my name and never look back. I feel the dark coming and I can’t help to think this one might be bad. I don’t find joy in anything and the truly scary part is that I have been taking part in my self care rituals like face masks, bubble baths and keeping my room clean and I still feel anxious and depressed. I dread going to work other then I get to see a particular person that kinda brightens my day a bit. Mostly I am just tired. Tired of always fighting. Always being on guard. I feel stuck. Stuck in my life, stuck in my body, stuck in my mind. Why cant there be a pause button? I need one. I need to get my shit together, but I have to find my shit first and I don’t think I ever will. God I need to sleep. I just can’t. I’m going back to therapy. I should have never stopped. It get better but you never are better. Maybe I’m just this broken thing. Doomed to never be fixed. Do I even deserve happiness at this point? I’d probably just fuck it up someway. I know I have people who love me and whom I love and I know they support me and are here for me, but its 3:30 AM and I am so very lonely it physically hurts. I guess its time to go try and sleep or maybe I’ll try to write. I have too much energy, then again I just have too much of everything.
3 thoughts on “Midnight Musings #1”
I believe that your biggest trouble is that it could be you are living for others and not yourself. What you must begin to do is discover who you truly are and what it is YOU truly desire (not what others desire for you). For instance, are you going to college because YOU want to or your parents want you to? Changing your major is something just about everyone does while in college and it is usual a few times that they change it. I know we all want to please our parents but even our parents do not know us and what is best for us better than we do (you may live their house but you are an adult now). You need to follow your heart and your dream. When I began to do that, I began to sleep like a baby! (Just so you know, I am not a young person…I am 54)
I don’t know what my dream is
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Have you tried meditation? By looking within through meditation you will come to know who you truly are (not who others say you are) and what your dreams truly are. No one can know who you are or what your dreams are except you. Deep within your Spirit you know these answers.