DISCLAIMER: This is entirely from my own prospective and I contributed to the toxicity in the relationship in some form I am sure
Having a toxic friend is like having an open wound that you have let fester and get infected. Everyone you meet sees it and goes “Hey you should get that looked at it doesn’t look so good,” and you just respond with “It’s fine. Just a scratch.” In reality the wound is oozing and has gangrene and has caused the entire arm to go necrotic. When it comes to finally realizing that your entire arm is necrotic it always takes a major event that makes you refocus. I like to call this moment “The Line in the Concrete”, because a line in the sand when crossed can be redrawn and crossed again; a line in concrete can never be redrawn. Well I recently got my arm metaphorically amputated and my concrete line was crossed. Weddings are lovely joyous occasions that are cause for friends and family to come together and celebrate the love between the bride and groom. They are not occasions for you to have epiphanies about the fact that your 14 year friendship to one of the bridesmaids is as toxic as toxic gets. What can I say I have convenient timing. Now luckily this epiphany didn’t come with an all out dramatic yelling match (a Lifetime movie this is not), but it did put an unfortunate damper on our best friends wedding day. Something I will never forgive myself for. Hence why it was my line in the concrete.
This was a person I actively called one of my best friends on any given day; I mean we had known each other for 14 years for God’s sake. Her mom is basically a second mother to me and our parents are best friends. There’s a lot that happens in 14 years, some of it good some of it bad and in our case a lot bad. We met when we were 9 (and before you ask I don’t wish I had never met her) and for the first 3 years of our friendship we were inseparable. Everything from sleepovers to Girl Scouts we did together. Then 7th grade hit suddenly we went from carefree children to pubescent moody preteens. Suddenly I wasn’t cool enough to be seen with at school and she would only talk to me after school. Her new “cool” (this is where she went into her “emo” phase) didn’t much like me and I didn’t much like them. Yet our friendship persisted into high school where I was cool enough to be seen with at school again (mostly cause we rode the same bus I think) but that’s kind of where things got bad. I remember the put downs and the snide remarks, but also remember the kind words and the helpful advise. It was in high school that I began to realize that she was jealous of things I couldn’t control and she would weaponize that against me.
I am an only child and I am also a girl. I am the first one to tell you that I am a spoiled and I am occasionally known to be a brat, although I don’t personally consider myself to be a spoiled brat. On the other hand she was the eldest of three and spoiled and bratty in much different ways not that she would ever admit to that. I believe she resented that fact that I in fact did get my way or what I wanted the majority of the time. Every fight we have ever had the fact that I am an only child and I am the sole focus of my parents gets thrown in my face. There were a lot of fights and a lot of times where I just bit my tongue and let her put me down. Especially when were with a group of new people is when she would go in, almost as if trying to make me look bad in comparison. She constantly craved attention and to be the center of everything. Everything in life had to be about her and in relation to her. It was always more of a one way friendship with her and all ways lead to her.
It took me 10ish years to realize that I deserved better out of a friendship. There are going to be people in your life that you love with your whole heart and you want to help them and be there for them, but they just pull you down with them. These are the hardest people to leave and the hardest people to cut contact with. When you finally do cut contact its like coming up for air after being underwater. Its okay to love your toxic person and miss your toxic person, but its not okay to let your toxic person drag you down. I am choosing to surround myself with people who love and support me and who I love and support back. Even though I still love and care for my friend I know in my heart its the best for both of us to be apart and stay apart.