Month: October 2018

Let’s Talk About… Mental Health

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We all struggle with mental health at some point in our lives. Everybody gets anxious about certain thing (ie job promotions or public speaking) or people go through bouts of depression (ie after the loss of a family member or getting fired), but some people just struggle to a point where they are consumed by their illness and the sad thing is that nobody wants to ever talk about it. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression when I was 18 and then diagnosed with Bi-Polar II when I was 19. I struggle with General Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation, and my Bi-Polar Disorder on a daily biases. I never understood why mental illness was so looked down upon. I mean nobody in their right mind would look at a cancer patient and tell them that its all in their head and that in their generation there was no such thing as cancer and yet that’s what people with mental illness hear all the time. I went into my deepest and longest depression when I was 15 and it lasted till almost my 18th birthday. I was so scared to turn to anybody in for help. I wouldn’t even talk to my own mother about for fear that I would be judged and told I was crazy. I remember one particularly bad night my mom heard me crying in the middle of the night and she came into my room and was holding me as she asked me what was wrong and to please just talk to her all I remember doing is shaking my head, sobbing and telling her to go away.

Eight years later and mental health is talked about more and there is less of a stigma, but there is still tons to be done. I tell people about what I deal with and they look at me like i have two heads or that I am going to fall apart. Getting a mental health diagnoses is the best worst thing. Its the best because it finally has a name and the worst cause it feels like a life sentence. There is not cure for any mental health illnesses, there is only treatments like medication, therapy and coping mechanisms (all of which I use to get me through the day). Some days always end up being better then others though. When your mood is set to a cycle of sadness and okayness its hard to have good days, but they days I spend with the people I love and the days I spend laughing till I cant breathe are always my favorite. My support system is my anchor to the light blue shallows of my illness. Ocean For as long as I have been going to therapy I have always used this photo as a reference to where my head is at on any given day. The lighter the blue the “happier” I am; the darker the blue the worse I am. On any given day I tend to stay in the lightish blue colors. It took a lot of fighting and admitting to myself and to my support system that I needed help. I think the hardest person to admit this to, besides myself, was my dad. My dad is a very  strong very stubborn man. He struggles with anxiety and depression though will never admit it to anybody. He comes from a generation that thinks mental illness is a myth, but my dad put how he feels about it aside and he just say his daughter in pain and all he wanted to do was make it go away. He had been my strongest supporter throughout my journey and even though he may not always understand and he may think its foolish or all in my head he loves me anyway and will always listen to me when I talk.

Its really easy to judge people and to dismiss people, but its even easier to be polite and attempt to understand. If you have somebody in your life that is struggling or had confided in you be there for them, listen to them, and help them cope. Sometimes it takes tough love; sometimes it takes a gentle touch. If you are the one struggling don’t be scared to reach out, especially if you have tried before and it was not good. If you are struggling or even if you are in a goodish place and you have a friend that is struggling and is pulling you deeper into the black its okay to distance yourself or let go entirely even if that person is a family member. Most importantly just know its gets better. It ALWAYS gets better.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project Hotline: 1-866-488-7386

 

 

 

Pilgrims Don’t Wear Pink By Stephanie Kate Strohm

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Okay I’m not going to sugar coat it here: this book is a very simply read and its kind of dated seeing as how it was published in 2012 (there are Jonas Brother references). That being said this book spoke to my little nerdy soul! Everything about this novel is just me from the setting, a small coastal town in Maine (If I ever live in a small town it will be in Maine in a Victorian or a lighthouse), the the main character, Libby (who is a hopeless romantic history nerd with a shoe obsession). Its a light cute contemporary novel; there is no heavy subject matter and you can tell where the plot is going from a mile away. It’s basically the readers equivalent to watching a Hallmark Channel Rom-Com. Which is basically the reason I love it so much.

Libby is a seventeen year old history lover who lands a summer internship in a small coastal town in Maine. Life in Camden Harbor isn’t exactly what Libby thought it was going to be. First off there isn’t enough room in what the museum has deemed a closet for her shoes, then there is her roommate, Ashling, that seems to just instantly detest her. On the bright side of things there is a whole group of delicious looking boys that play the sailors on the museums 18th century ships. Of course no summer in small town Maine would be complete with out a ghost story or two. Luckily for the museum ghost sightings draw in big crowds, unluckily for Libby they also draw in nerdy investigative reporters who are annoyingly infuriating.    

Ashling was my least favorite character, as she was most likely meant to be. She is the kind of character that just makes you go WTF with how cruel she actually is. Ashling is very high and mighty when it comes to her position at the museum event though she is also just an intern. She instantly dislikes Libby and spends most of her time trying to put Libby down and just being unnecessarily rude to everybody around her. She kind of gets redeemed at the end, but in my opinion its to little to late. Suze is Libby’s other roommate and she is a sweet and mousy girl who honestly is not very integral to the plot of the novel. Cam was another character that I was a bit eh about. Although I did like him in the beginning, he was so suave and charming it roped me in just like Libby. Although I knew he wasn’t what he presented himself to be a lot faster then Libby did. My absolute favorite, besides Libby of course, was Garrett. I think its because he kind of reminded me of a guy I have a crush on. He was sarcastic and nerdy which are my two favorite character traits for any person to have, fictional or real. He cared for Libby and supported her even when she thought that they disliked each other.  

All and all I really liked the novel as a whole and its a nice addition to my collection. If your into really easy reads that are a bit cheesy then I highly recommend it. (Also there is a squeal and Yes I will be purchasing it and reviewing.) 

 

Lets Talk About… Toxic People

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DISCLAIMER: This is entirely from my own prospective and I contributed to the toxicity in the relationship in some form I am sure

Having a toxic friend is like having an open wound that you have let fester and get infected. Everyone you meet sees it and goes “Hey you should get that looked at it doesn’t look so good,” and you just respond with “It’s fine. Just a scratch.” In reality the wound is oozing and has gangrene and has caused the entire arm to go necrotic. When it comes to finally realizing that your entire arm is necrotic it always takes a major event that makes you refocus. I like to call this moment “The Line in the Concrete”, because a line in the sand when crossed can be redrawn and crossed again; a line in concrete can never be redrawn. Well I recently got my arm metaphorically amputated and my concrete line was crossed. Weddings are lovely joyous occasions that are cause for friends and family to come together and celebrate the love between the bride and groom. They are not occasions for you to have epiphanies about the fact that your 14 year friendship to one of the bridesmaids is as toxic as toxic gets. What can I say I have convenient timing. Now luckily this epiphany didn’t come with an all out dramatic yelling match (a Lifetime movie this is not), but it did put an unfortunate damper on our best friends wedding day. Something I will never forgive myself for. Hence why it was my line in the concrete.

This was a person I actively called one of my best friends on any given day; I mean we had known each other for 14 years for God’s sake. Her mom is basically a second mother to me and our parents are best friends. There’s a lot that happens in 14 years, some of it good some of it bad and in our case a lot bad. We met when we were 9 (and before you ask I don’t wish I had never met her) and for the first 3 years of our friendship we were inseparable. Everything from sleepovers to Girl Scouts we did together. Then 7th grade hit suddenly we went from carefree children to pubescent moody preteens. Suddenly I wasn’t cool enough to be seen with at school and she would only talk to me after school. Her new “cool” (this is where she went into her “emo” phase) didn’t much like me and I didn’t much like them. Yet our friendship persisted into high school where I was cool enough to be seen with at school again (mostly cause we rode the same bus I think) but that’s kind of where things got bad. I remember the put downs and the snide remarks, but also remember the kind words and the helpful advise. It was in high school that I began to realize that she was jealous of things I couldn’t control and she would weaponize that against me.

I am an only child and I am also a girl. I am the first one to tell you that I am a spoiled and I am occasionally known to be a brat, although I don’t personally consider myself to be a spoiled brat. On the other hand she was the eldest of three and spoiled and bratty in much different ways not that she would ever admit to that. I believe she resented that fact that I in fact did get my way or what I wanted the majority of the time. Every fight we have ever had the fact that I am an only child and I am the sole focus of my parents gets thrown in my face. There were a lot of fights and a lot of times where I just bit my tongue and let her put me down. Especially when were with a group of new people is when she would go in, almost as if trying to make me look bad in comparison. She constantly craved attention and to be the center of everything. Everything in life had to be about her and in relation to her. It was always more of a one way friendship with her and all ways lead to her.

It took me 10ish years to realize that I deserved better out of a friendship. There are going to be people in your life that you love with your whole heart and you want to help them and be there for them, but they just pull you down with them. These are the hardest people to leave and the hardest people to cut contact with. When you finally do cut contact its like coming up for air after being underwater. Its okay to love your toxic person and miss your toxic person, but its not okay to let your toxic person drag you down. I am choosing to surround myself with people who love and support me and who I love and support back. Even though I still love and care for my friend I know in my heart its the best for both of us to be apart and stay apart.