This is a series I am going to do that is completely stream of consciousness and unedited in any way. These are just going the thoughts I have in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep for whatever reason.
Its nearly 3 am and I still can’t sleep. The anxiety feels like a rock at the bottom of my stomach and I want to crawl out of skin. everything feels like its going to fall apart at any given moment. No stick that it already feels like its falling apart. I turn 24 in a few months and this is not how I saw my life going. I had big plans and I ruined them all. I haven’t graduated college, I still live with my parents, I work (what feels) like a dead end job. I don’t even like my major anymore and I am to scared to tell my parents cause I feel like they are finally (somewhat) proud of me. I’m not okay. I don’t feel okay. Every cell in my body is screaming for me to pack up my car and run as far away as I can. to just change my name and never look back. I feel the dark coming and I can’t help to think this one might be bad. I don’t find joy in anything and the truly scary part is that I have been taking part in my self care rituals like face masks, bubble baths and keeping my room clean and I still feel anxious and depressed. I dread going to work other then I get to see a particular person that kinda brightens my day a bit. Mostly I am just tired. Tired of always fighting. Always being on guard. I feel stuck. Stuck in my life, stuck in my body, stuck in my mind. Why cant there be a pause button? I need one. I need to get my shit together, but I have to find my shit first and I don’t think I ever will. God I need to sleep. I just can’t. I’m going back to therapy. I should have never stopped. It get better but you never are better. Maybe I’m just this broken thing. Doomed to never be fixed. Do I even deserve happiness at this point? I’d probably just fuck it up someway. I know I have people who love me and whom I love and I know they support me and are here for me, but its 3:30 AM and I am so very lonely it physically hurts. I guess its time to go try and sleep or maybe I’ll try to write. I have too much energy, then again I just have too much of everything.